Superman
by Sarahjane
Summary: Archer looks back on his life. I'm warning you, it's pretty angsty.


DISCLAIMER: All characters belong to Paramount and are used here without permission. The title as well as the song are from "Superman" by Five for Fighting and are also used without permission. Please don't sue me!  
  
Author's Note: Like so many of my stories, the idea is my sister's, KitLee. Thanks sis for letting me have it. Hopefully this one will turn out as well as "The Day the Principal Kicked the Whole School Out" did in first grade.  
  
Superman  
  
I can't stand to fly.  
I'm not that naïve.  
I'm just out to find  
The better part of me.  
  
As a boy, I dreamed about flying. With my father's help, I built countless model ships and flew them on the beach near our home in San Francisco. My earliest memories are of gazing up at night with my father, imagining what it would be like to visit them all. Every waking moment was devoted to fulfilling my dream of flying among the stars.  
  
Now all of that is gone. When I close my eyes, I am flying again, but this time I wake up in a cold sweat with screams in my ears. The childhood fancies that filled me with hope now twist my soul in anguish.  
  
The child I once was is dead. I am dead.  
  
I'm more than a bird,  
I'm more than a plane,  
More than some pretty face beside a train.  
And it's not easy to be me.  
  
I spent my life struggling to be the best. No matter where I was--Scouts, high school, college, graduate school, Starfleet training--I never stopped working hard to stand out. I wanted to prove to everyone what I could do. I struggled for every promotion. I nearly killed myself getting every assignment perfect. When I got command of Enterprise, I was ecstatic. I was eager to show the world, the universe, what I could do.  
  
But when I finally got my chance, I failed.  
  
Wish that I could cry  
Fall upon my knees,  
Find a way to lie  
About a home I'll never see.  
  
I relive that last moment on Enterprise a thousand times. I feel the tension as we face a hostile vessel. I can see the steely calm in their eyes. I want to shout and warn them, to tell them to go home to their families where it's safe. I want to save them any way I can. But instead the missile comes. The ship shudders. Over and over the volleys fly.  
  
History records that battle as a victory. The enemy ship exploded from the force of our new phase cannons. We would have all survived had their warp core not burst, ripping Enterprise apart from the shock wave.  
  
Most of the lower decks burst, killing nearly everyone instantly. Hoshi and T'Pol died at their stations, which exploded during the battle. In sickbay, Dr. Phlox died quickly and violently as the hull in sickbay burst. Trip, along with the rest of Engineering, died in a brilliant explosion as our warp core also burst. The shockwave killed Malcolm, Travis, and who knows how many others as they flew to safety in escape pods.  
  
As for me, I survived.  
  
I still don't know how. I waited until Travis and Malcolm were safely away before jumping into another pod. We launched together, with six other pods. And yet somehow mine was the only one that didn't explode.  
  
When I woke up, I was in Starfleet Medical. I had been picked up by a Vulcan survey ship, barely alive. I was told I had been unconscious for weeks, that the doctors had nearly given up hope.  
  
Of course once I awoke, the real nightmare began.  
  
It may sound absurd,  
But don't be naive,  
Even heros have  
The right to bleed.  
I may be disturbed  
But won't you conceive  
Even heros have  
The right to dream.  
And it's not easy to be me.  
  
I know what they say about me. They whisper that I am "*the* Captain Archer," a hero, a legend. They whisper that I was never the same after I lost Enterprise. They say that I was never able to recover. I can hear the youthful disappointment in their voices. I was supposed to be the best, the brightest. I was the First.  
  
I want to tell them I would give it all up for just one more moment with Trip or T'Pol, Hoshi, Travis or Malcolm, or Porthos. There are disappointed that I am not what they expected. They don't understand that underneath it all I am just a man. Under my brave front was a scared, trembling person. I just lost the will to hide my fears from the world.  
  
Up again, away, away from me  
Well it's all right.  
You can all sleep sound tonight.  
I'm not crazy or anything.  
  
When I came back to Earth, but there were no brass band and ticker-tape parade. What greeted me instead were sympathetic stares, a white room with straps on the bed, and hyposprays filled with "something to help me sleep." They didn't realize that sleep was what I feared most, for at night I dreamed about the accident over and over again. When I closed my eyes, I could see the burning wreckage of my ship as I sailed away on the escape pod. I could hear the screams of my crew as I was whisked away to safety.  
  
A captain is supposed to go down with his ship. Some captain I turned out to be.  
  
I can't stand to fly.  
I'm not that naïve.  
Men weren't meant to ride  
With clouds between their knees.  
  
It's been ten years since I first stepped foot on Enterprise. Back then I was ambitious and eager. I couldn't wait to set sail among the stars. I couldn't wait to see what was out there.  
  
I have lost everything. My ship...my crew...my hopes and dreams. All are scattered now among the wreckage of space.  
  
I was not meant to be a hero. Deep down I am nothing special. Everyone expected too much from me. I was supposed to set the standard by which all other captains would be judged. I was supposed to explore the galaxy for the human race. I carried the hopes and dreams of an entire species on my shoulders. Is it any surprise that I failed?  
  
I'm only a man  
In a silly red sheet  
Digging for kryptonite  
On this one way street.  
  
They say that I've lost my mind. I've lost everything else, so why not? All I am is a shadow of my former self, forever searching for everything I lost. I spent my first two months at Starfleet searching for my crew. I refused to believe that they had died. When I finally realized that they were all gone forever, I broke down and cried.  
  
Only a man  
In a phony red sheet  
Looking for special things  
Inside of me,  
Inside of me,  
Inside of me,  
Inside of me,  
Inside of me.  
  
I've lost everything. That ship was all that I had. My friends, my hopes, my dreams...all were ripped away from me. I am hollow inside. I am just a shell, a shadow of what I once was. Everything that made me who I was is gone. I don't even know who I am anymore.  
  
It's been ten years since I came here to Starfleet Psychiatric Hospital. Only ten years ago I was young and happy. And now...now I don't even know who I am anymore. When I close my eyes I am back on Enterprise surrounded by my crew. Those dreams are peaceful, and I drift happily among them. But when I wake up I am here, in an empty white room surrounded by the whispers and the stares and the cries of the dead.  
  
I long to join them. I am their captain. I belong with them. But instead I am stuck here. I have one foot in the world of the living and one in that of the dead. And I yearn and ache and scream to follow them. But I always wake up here.  
  
I'm only a man  
In a phony red sheet  
I'm only a man  
Looking for dream.  
I'm only a man  
In a phony red sheet  
And it's not easy,  
It's not easy to be me. 


End file.
